Talk:Nathanyl the Hedgehog/@comment-27810931-20161211143206
I know that I’m a little late to this party, but here are some ways I think that Nathanyl’s backstory could be improved. “''Nathan was living a happy life, until a fire struck the village he was in.”'' This is alright. It establishes a threat for the younger Nathanyl and it has potential to shape the character in his future, for example giving him pyrophobia. “Some hedgehog appeared to have pyrokinesis” This too is OK. We have the beginning of a conflict that could influence the way that Nathan reacts and makes decisions in the future. My only problem so far is that, despite how important this hedgehog seems, he isn’t developed in any way. He has no name. He has no motives. For all we know, he could just be burning down the village because he was envious of Nathan’s Pokémon card collection. “Nathan woke up due to smelling smoke, he ran to his parents room” Back to the good stuff again, this could be improved just by adding “to see if they were alright” or similar to the end. This would just add an extra bit of personality. It is implied that he cares about his parents, but why not drive the point home? “… but they were burnt to a crispy corpse” Answer me this: What exactly does killing Nathan’s parents off add to the story other than a reason for a vendetta against the pyrokinetic hedgehog? As an alternative, I suggest other people in the village being killed. The character would still have a motivation that would result in a very similar outcome (duty to the village) but we keep the clichéd dead parents backstory out of it. “Nathan was shocked and very saddened.” Remember two paragraphs ago when I said that it was implied that Nathanyl cared about his parents? This is what made me think that. The fact that he feels grief shows me that he cares. These are only a few words, but they carry a lot of meaning. “He then attacked the hedgehog mercilessly and homing attacked him so hard, the hedgehog got a scar.” OK. Hold up. Wait a minute. Unless I’m mistaken, you’re trying to build the other hedgehog up as a rival and threat to Nathan. This is not helped by the first time we see them fighting, Nathan is grinding him into the dust. Conflict drives story, but a conflict this one sided won’t be too interesting. This is even worse when you consider that Nathan here is experiencing grief for his parents. It would make him less effective in combat and thus more likely to lose. Having him lose against the other hedgehog would provide a good starting ground for his story so we can see him becoming stronger so that he can triumph over the opponent that gave him trouble. Essentially, we want to see him develop. “Nathan then swore he would kill that hedgehog.” This sets up his story of revenge and for doing that, it’s sufficient. Perhaps there would be a better way of saying this. Maybe he swears to his parents that he will kill that hedgehog? So that’s how I think Nathanyl could be improved. Please bear in mind that these are only suggestions based on my opinions, so you don’t have to follow all or even any of them.